Unable to compete with the national strangeness, The National Enquirer falls on hard times and doesn't want to get up

What AP reported:

"After years of dishing tales of celebrity folly and misfortune, The National Enquirer's publisher has fallen on hard times of its own.

American Media Inc. plans to seek federal bankruptcy protection in the next two weeks or so. The privately held company, based in Boca Raton, Fla., announced its intention Monday without sharing any details about its finances. "

What AP should have reported:

Finding its tales of celebrity folly and misfortune completely outclassed by more bizarre oddities such as the first anti-American president of the United States, the National Enquirer announced Monday that it will file for bankruptcy.

"How can we compete with the Obama administration?" a spokesman asked rhetorically. "Even Hollywood wouldn't have thought to stage an American president deliberately wrecking the national economy and then making sure it wouldn't recover - all in the interest of landing a job as an international potentate under the auspices of the UN. It's too bizarre to contemplate, and we have nothing that can compete with it.

"And then we have Obama and Harry Reid giving American voters the finger. What are the odds?

"I thought it was bad when Bill Clinton had to ask for help on the meaning of the word 'is,' a story that sent our sales into a tailspin. With the Obama administration, the daily news is so bizarre that, pretty soon, we'd have to start paying customers to buy our publications."